So, here I am, trying to stay calm. I mentioned last post that I cannot help but convince myself that I can feel physical evidence that I might be pregnant, even though I know that is not likely. Doesn't matter. I seem unable to stay logical. I woke up last night with painful breasts and this morning they feel fuller. This was not a symptom when I was pregnant with my son - at least not until a lot further into that pregnancy. So, even though I know that my mind is probably making it all up, I cannot help but be a little excited. It is nuts.
I hope I'm not setting myself up...
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Days Past Ovulation - Day 4
I am currently four days past ovulation. Ten more to go before the big reveal. I hate the waiting...and the guessing. Try as I may, I cannot keep myself from obsessing over ever little ping and pain, convincing myself that, OMG, I can actually feel the egg trying to plant, or that I am so sensitive that I can feel my levels changing already - at day 4! Rubbish.
I really wish I could put it out of my mind. I've read so many blogs and diaries of women who have documented this 2 week stretch and it is always heartbreaking when it doesn't end in a positive test. And then you must suffer waiting another 2 weeks, just to have another crack at it and then wait some more. I tell you, it is enough to drive you mad.
I also really worry about - and this is silly because it is pointless - that I WILL get a positive result and then lose it after a few short weeks. Now that is heartbreak. And on top of everything that comes with a miscarriage, I'd have to start all. over. again.
Ugh! Torture. I need to work on my zen techniques.
I really wish I could put it out of my mind. I've read so many blogs and diaries of women who have documented this 2 week stretch and it is always heartbreaking when it doesn't end in a positive test. And then you must suffer waiting another 2 weeks, just to have another crack at it and then wait some more. I tell you, it is enough to drive you mad.
I also really worry about - and this is silly because it is pointless - that I WILL get a positive result and then lose it after a few short weeks. Now that is heartbreak. And on top of everything that comes with a miscarriage, I'd have to start all. over. again.
Ugh! Torture. I need to work on my zen techniques.
In the Beginning...
I've been pregnant before. Twice, actually. I have one miscarriage and one beautiful baby boy to my credits. He is now 21 months old and I, along with my husband of 15 years, want to give him a brother or sister. Should be easy - and maybe it will be - but I am still very nervous. Here's why...
A) I'm 38. My eggs are old and that makes me worry. There is a chance I won't be able to get pregnant again. Or maybe I'll suffer another miscarriage (which was a truly devastating experience, one I NEVER wish to repeat). Maybe if I was a woman who exercised daily and was 'in the best shape of my life' then I wouldn't sweat it, but I'm not, so I do.
B) The Husband and I have had a challenging year. The stress of new parenthood after so many years together really disrupted our groove and I am worried that having two children will put even more strain on our relationship. I am willing to risk it because I want to have another child desperately, but I am terrified that it will blow my marriage apart.
C) I do not know what to do about my career, such as it is. See, I had a promising business going when I got pregnant. But, since being self-employed meant no mat leave, I took a job and left the business on the sideline. My mat leave is over and I'm now back at the job. I like it, but it is a job not a career and I will not want to go back after a second mat leave. So, what do I do with myself? Revive my business? Mother full time for the next 10 years? I'm 38. What will I be going back to if I go back at 48? Nothing - that is my guess. VERY scary.
So, there you have it, my 3 big concerns. The only one I'm really grappling with right now is A, since I am not even pregnant. But A is big enough, don't you think?
A) I'm 38. My eggs are old and that makes me worry. There is a chance I won't be able to get pregnant again. Or maybe I'll suffer another miscarriage (which was a truly devastating experience, one I NEVER wish to repeat). Maybe if I was a woman who exercised daily and was 'in the best shape of my life' then I wouldn't sweat it, but I'm not, so I do.
B) The Husband and I have had a challenging year. The stress of new parenthood after so many years together really disrupted our groove and I am worried that having two children will put even more strain on our relationship. I am willing to risk it because I want to have another child desperately, but I am terrified that it will blow my marriage apart.
C) I do not know what to do about my career, such as it is. See, I had a promising business going when I got pregnant. But, since being self-employed meant no mat leave, I took a job and left the business on the sideline. My mat leave is over and I'm now back at the job. I like it, but it is a job not a career and I will not want to go back after a second mat leave. So, what do I do with myself? Revive my business? Mother full time for the next 10 years? I'm 38. What will I be going back to if I go back at 48? Nothing - that is my guess. VERY scary.
So, there you have it, my 3 big concerns. The only one I'm really grappling with right now is A, since I am not even pregnant. But A is big enough, don't you think?
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