Friday, January 18, 2008

5 Weeks Pregnant

So far so good. Not too many symptoms which is great on the one hand, but, on the other hand, it makes me worry. Symptoms help me feel pregnant - that it is all going OK. I know that is not true but still...

I made an appointment with the doctor yesterday. She can't, or won't, see me for another 2 1/2 weeks. I know this is because the first few weeks are so fragile that there really is no reason to see me before it looks like the pregnancy is holding. Practical, but ugly.

I want her to say 'sure, come on in, your pregnant! that's great - it is all smooth sailing from here, let's get started!'

But it feels more like she says 'OK, let's not get too excited. We'll wait and see if you make it to week 8 before we even bother looking at this as a pregnancy'.

waiting, waiting, is torture.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Days Past Ovulation - Day 14

So, here we are - finally! The day my period is supposed to arrive and it is a no-show. The pregnancy test was positive four days ago, but still, I needed to get here to have the 'skipped menses' symptom that tops all pregnancy symptom lists everywhere.

God, I still can hardly believe it. Excited and impatient, and terrified. I wish I could propel myself into the future about 8 weeks.

I want to tell everyone but of course I can't. But I did spill it to a co-worker who I think is trustworthy. I hope so because telling my employer is one of my biggest worries.

For the next little while, it is nothing but a waiting game. Oi.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Days Past Ovulation - Day 11

Yeah, so I couldn't wait. Yesterday I was waiting for a friend downtown, I had about an hour to kill so I went shopping. All I could think of was whether or not I was pregnant. When I found myself passing a Shopper's, I couldn't help myself from getting a pregnancy test. I has to go pee anyway, so what the hell...

It was positive. Yep, a faint pink line, but nevertheless, a line. I am pregnant.

Holy fuck. I am so excited and relieved and I still cannot quite believe it.

I know that I will wake up tomorrow terrified and will stay terrified for about 9 weeks, but I have to start somewhere. I am so so relieved.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Days Past Ovulation - Day 10

Day 10. Supposedly, Early Response is good for 4 days before your period is expected, which means I could, technically, try today and get my answer. But I am not going to because I am too scared. I am going to wait until Sunday. I just went through this all last month and I cannot be running to the drug store every month hoping against hope. (Who am I fooling? Of course I am hoping against hope!). I need to chill out and just wait it out. It will happen if it happens. I read somewhere that a couple should try 3 times in a row on their own before seeking help from a doctor. So, if this month is negative, I have one more month to try before I admit that something may be up with my fertility.

I have a sinking feeling that there is something wrong. My husband and I tried a few times about a year ago and we didn't get pregnant. It was quite a shock because the first time around, I got pregnant the first try and then when I miscarried that pregnancy, I got pregnant the first time we were able to try again. I'd come to expect that I had a very good fix on my ovulation and that there was nothing about my eggs or my husband's sperm that would cause us concern.

But. Here I am, having tried - off and on - a handful of times and no double line on the stick to speak of. I'm concerned.

I'd dread taking the test.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Days Past Ovulation - Day 8

Today was the first day that 'the wait' was off my mind. We're moving our household so we were very busy today shuttling boxes from the old house to the new one - which is tiring but also fun. I like the part when, after lugging boxes into an empty room, you can stroll around it, inspecting it carefully, discovering its flaws and secrets and imagine all the things you want to do with the new space. Lots of hopes, lots of possibilities.

There is a sweet little space reserved for a new baby....lots of hopes, lots of possibilities.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Days Past Ovulation - Day 7

Today, I'm thinking of "C" in my list of concerns. I am worried about my job. More specifically, I am worried about my job once I tell my employer that I am pregnant (if and when that happens). They are not sure to like it, although I expect they'll be decent. See, I don't want to tell anyone anything about wanting babies, trying to have babies or, in the case I DO get pregnant, that I actually am least until I am well past the scary first trimester and past all the scary tests a 38 pregnant woman is urged to take.

Thing is, there is a chance that just by writing this blog I've let the cat out of the bag. My boss is probably the most savvy cyber sleuth I know and she seems to take pleasure and pride in following the online activities of people she knows. If anyone has seen this blog, it is likely her. There were some comments at the office made yesterday that makes me think that she's onto this blog.

I knew this going in and I started this blog anyway. I don't know what actual consequences there would be to her reading it, but I'm anxious anyway.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Days Past Ovulation - Day 6

So, if you are supposed to ovulate 14 days before your period, and you can test (with Early Response, anyway) 4 days before your period, that would mean I only need to wait until 10 days past ovulation to test. That is correct math isn't it? I am currently at day 6. Do I really only have four to go? Only!?! It feels like forever.

God, how will I ever get through the first trimester (and I am not even pregnant!) if I can't even handle four days. So long to go before it all feels OK.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Days Past Ovulation - Day 5

So, here I am, trying to stay calm. I mentioned last post that I cannot help but convince myself that I can feel physical evidence that I might be pregnant, even though I know that is not likely. Doesn't matter. I seem unable to stay logical. I woke up last night with painful breasts and this morning they feel fuller. This was not a symptom when I was pregnant with my son - at least not until a lot further into that pregnancy. So, even though I know that my mind is probably making it all up, I cannot help but be a little excited. It is nuts.

I hope I'm not setting myself up...

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Days Past Ovulation - Day 4

I am currently four days past ovulation. Ten more to go before the big reveal. I hate the waiting...and the guessing. Try as I may, I cannot keep myself from obsessing over ever little ping and pain, convincing myself that, OMG, I can actually feel the egg trying to plant, or that I am so sensitive that I can feel my levels changing already - at day 4! Rubbish.

I really wish I could put it out of my mind. I've read so many blogs and diaries of women who have documented this 2 week stretch and it is always heartbreaking when it doesn't end in a positive test. And then you must suffer waiting another 2 weeks, just to have another crack at it and then wait some more. I tell you, it is enough to drive you mad.

I also really worry about - and this is silly because it is pointless - that I WILL get a positive result and then lose it after a few short weeks. Now that is heartbreak. And on top of everything that comes with a miscarriage, I'd have to start all. over. again.

Ugh! Torture. I need to work on my zen techniques.

In the Beginning...

I've been pregnant before. Twice, actually. I have one miscarriage and one beautiful baby boy to my credits. He is now 21 months old and I, along with my husband of 15 years, want to give him a brother or sister. Should be easy - and maybe it will be - but I am still very nervous. Here's why...

A) I'm 38. My eggs are old and that makes me worry. There is a chance I won't be able to get pregnant again. Or maybe I'll suffer another miscarriage (which was a truly devastating experience, one I NEVER wish to repeat). Maybe if I was a woman who exercised daily and was 'in the best shape of my life' then I wouldn't sweat it, but I'm not, so I do.

B) The Husband and I have had a challenging year. The stress of new parenthood after so many years together really disrupted our groove and I am worried that having two children will put even more strain on our relationship. I am willing to risk it because I want to have another child desperately, but I am terrified that it will blow my marriage apart.

C) I do not know what to do about my career, such as it is. See, I had a promising business going when I got pregnant. But, since being self-employed meant no mat leave, I took a job and left the business on the sideline. My mat leave is over and I'm now back at the job. I like it, but it is a job not a career and I will not want to go back after a second mat leave. So, what do I do with myself? Revive my business? Mother full time for the next 10 years? I'm 38. What will I be going back to if I go back at 48? Nothing - that is my guess. VERY scary.

So, there you have it, my 3 big concerns. The only one I'm really grappling with right now is A, since I am not even pregnant. But A is big enough, don't you think?