Wednesday, January 2, 2008

In the Beginning...

I've been pregnant before. Twice, actually. I have one miscarriage and one beautiful baby boy to my credits. He is now 21 months old and I, along with my husband of 15 years, want to give him a brother or sister. Should be easy - and maybe it will be - but I am still very nervous. Here's why...

A) I'm 38. My eggs are old and that makes me worry. There is a chance I won't be able to get pregnant again. Or maybe I'll suffer another miscarriage (which was a truly devastating experience, one I NEVER wish to repeat). Maybe if I was a woman who exercised daily and was 'in the best shape of my life' then I wouldn't sweat it, but I'm not, so I do.

B) The Husband and I have had a challenging year. The stress of new parenthood after so many years together really disrupted our groove and I am worried that having two children will put even more strain on our relationship. I am willing to risk it because I want to have another child desperately, but I am terrified that it will blow my marriage apart.

C) I do not know what to do about my career, such as it is. See, I had a promising business going when I got pregnant. But, since being self-employed meant no mat leave, I took a job and left the business on the sideline. My mat leave is over and I'm now back at the job. I like it, but it is a job not a career and I will not want to go back after a second mat leave. So, what do I do with myself? Revive my business? Mother full time for the next 10 years? I'm 38. What will I be going back to if I go back at 48? Nothing - that is my guess. VERY scary.

So, there you have it, my 3 big concerns. The only one I'm really grappling with right now is A, since I am not even pregnant. But A is big enough, don't you think?

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